The countdown continues.  You are almost on your way to college.  But you are still in the middle of ending the chapter of your life called high school.  This week is about one of the trickiest parts of this ending:  what to do about your high school friends.  So hang on and hang in — managing this well will make starting college easier and will give you practice for the rest of your life.  Because, after all, you do have lots more chapters ahead of you!

I propose you handle your impending departure for college in different ways depending upon the type of friendship.

Friendship Type 1:  Situational Friendships

If you are like most people, a lot of the people you call friends (and at least 95% of the friends you have on social networking sites) are situational friends.   Your friendships arise from particular situations — they are the friendship you have with the other members of your hockey team, with your classmates in 1st Period English, with the kind-of weird neighbor kids that have been with you in school and at church every year since you were like 5.  You really don't have a deep connection with these people; the friendships are not sustainable over time and space.

Here is how you handle these friendships:  LET THEM GO.  Sure you can stay friends on Facebook or be pleasant when you see each other at reunions in the future, but other than that, these friendships are done and you need to let them go so you can make space for the new friendships, like these, that you will have in college: friendships with your new teammates on your intramural hockey team, with your new study buddies you have in the 8a Econ class, and with the kind of weird but still nice enough people who live on your hall or quad.

Friendship Type 2:  True Blue Lasting Friendships

True blue lasting friendships are the friendships you can and should protect.  These friendships are with people with whom you share a deep and profound connection — you know who they are.  They are the people who always laugh at the same things you do, no matter how wrong it is.  They are the people who seem to just know without you having to tell them much.  They are the people whom you can count on; no matter what, they have your back.

The good news here is that you can SUSTAIN THESE FRIENDSHIPS over time and space.  But you do have to be intentional about keeping and feeding these friendships.  Here are my three tips for how to keep and feed friendships over time and space:

1. Make sure to say goodbye and set the plan for your next hello.  Don't get so caught up in the frenzy of leaving for college that you don't set aside some time for a proper goodbye with your true blue friends.  And before you go, compare school calendars and make a date for when you're both back in town on the first break.  Just knowing when you are going to see each other next makes the goodbye easier.
2. Stay in touch, but don't try to re-create what you have now.  The stay in touch is really easy now thanks to technology.  But, the temptation is to try and substitute ridiculous amounts of communication for the day-to-day closeness you have now.  Not possible.  You are going to be leading different lives in different places.  Accept that.  There is of course a silver lining in that bit of breathing space — you probably won't have many spats, and your true blue friends can offer a bit of perspective for you if they aren't embroiled in the same drama.
3. Stretch your friendship muscle and hold these friends close EVEN AS you are making new friends.  Really truly, you can make new friends and keep the old.  You are ready.  One important thing to remember, though: friendships wither when comparisons are offered.  Each friend is special and unique to you.  So don't blow it and blurt out "you're just like my friend at home" to a new friend you really like, or worse still, confide to your old friend, "I can't believe I've found a new best friend so quickly."  Just savor each of them and be grateful.

Friendship Type #3:  Romantic Friendships

I'm not going to bother describing romantic friendships.  You know what they are, so I'm just going to jump to the advice giving portion of this post.  Unfortunately, you probably aren't going to like what I have to say here, but it is the wisdom of the ages.  First love probably isn't true love.  The majority of romantic friendships last through the first semester of freshman year, because at first it is comforting and supportive to have a boyfriend/girlfriend but it quickly becomes limiting and frustrating.  I encourage you to just LET IT TAKE ITS COURSE.  That means not fighting with it, clutching it, keeping it alive on life support.  Date through the end of the summer.  Have a great last date.  Feel sad to leave your boyfriend/girlfriend behind, but don't make promises about the future in some last grand gesture.  Go to college and stay in touch but don't organize your weekend plans around visits.  Don't communicate all the time about how much you miss each other — you'll get stuck in a loop.  Wait until Christmas break to evaluate where you are.  If the relationship is still growing and deepening in spite of the separation, hang in.  But don't regress.  Stay engaged with your new life at college.  Summer break will come.  If the romantic friendship is one that is, in fact, true love, then it won't die just because of separation during the school year.

Comments or Questions?

Want to offer a shout out to your situational friends thanking them for the memories?  Post here.  Want to make a pledge of undying friendship that counts?  Post it.  Want to say why your first love will or won't be your true love?  Post it, we'd love to hear!

Alison Cooper Chisolm writes the series 52 Weeks to College. She has worked in admissions at Southern Methodist University, the University of Chicago, and most recently Dartmouth College. She is a graduate of Yale College and the University of Virginia Law School. As part of the Ivey Consulting team, Alison works with college applicants and their families as they navigate the college admissions process. Read more about Alison here.